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Q: Hello Doctor, I am a guy soon going to be 23 years old. I really appreciate the way you show concern over our problems and the advices you provide are really justified. Doctor, I have a problem in handling my love affairs. I once had a girl and I cared a lot for her. She also loved and cared about me as much as I did for her. We dated for long but one day she cheated on me with my best friend. She apologized and full heartedly forgave her. After some time, she cheated on me again and as before, I forgave her again. The problem is, I didn’t forgive her because I loved her, I forgave her just because I didn’t want to be impolite. I don’t know whether I should stick with her or leave her.

A: Dear Vistus, I think you should not stay with her any longer because your feelings towards her seem to have gone. The only reason you want this relationship to go on is because you have been with her so long and don’t want to hurt her. There are no genuine feelings between the two of you. She doesn’t seem to have any respect for the relationship that you shared. Not many people can forgive their partners for cheating on them, especially with their best friends. You did that but she didn’t appreciate you for it. The more you forgive her, the more she will cheat on you because she will keep thinking to herself that you love her and need her and since you forgave her twice, there is nothing to worry about. There might come a certain stage where the two of you are living together and she will start bring the men to your place. I suggest that you leave her and move on with your life. It might hurt her but the way I see it, it’s the only way out. You deserve better. I wish you the best. …

Q: Dear Doctor, I have a girlfriend. She says that she loves me a lot and for sure we started our love since she was in grade 4 and I was in grade 7. Right now, am in University and she is doing her A Levels. We’ve never had sex for all these years because she says that its not yet time for her to engage in a sexual relationship. Honestly, I can not tolerate it any longer and am tired of her stories but am still in love with her. Does she love me? If she does, then why doesn’t she want to satisfy my physical needs?

A: Dear Pilot, You have come a very long way with her yet you doubt her feelings for you? It’s a shame that you feel like that just because she doesn’t want to have sex with you. In fact, you should respect her wishes. For a lot of girls, having sex is not as casual a thing as it is for guys. Especially in your case since you have been dating for so long. Girls like to plan these things. They like to imagine it to be in a certain way, at a certain time (mostly the wedding night) or at a certain place. She is probably thinking she might want to have sex with you after marriage. But whatever her reason maybe, it does not mean that she doesn’t love you. If your sexual desires are bothering you beyond tolerability, then talk to her about it and ask her to perform oral sex with you. You can stimulate each other and satisfy yourselves that way without any penetration. But always remember to use a condom under any circumstance. Because when you are in that situation, its often very difficult to resist temptation of having sex and one thing can lead to another and before you know it, she might get pregnant or incase any of you have any sort of STD’s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases), you might transfer it to your partner. However, I strongly recommend you hold your desires until she is ready for it. It gives that moment a special touch to it. I wish you the best and hope you will do the right thing. Take care and play safe…

Q: There is this guy that I go to school with. He is crazily in love with a girl in our school but he is scared of making any move on her. He lacks the courage to even talk to her. What can he do to be able to express his feelings to her?

A: A lot of girls do not really like some random guy coming up to them and telling them he loves them. That doesn’t really work. Most of the time, it ends with a lot of embarrassment. This guy needs to get close to her and get to know her first. I suggest he should get into her friends circle first and work his way up to her. In the process, he might get to know more things about the girl which may be more appealing to him and help him build up his courage to ask her out. If his love for her is currently based on the way she looks and smiles, then he should definitely consider getting to know her first, because some people look great from the outside but are ugly from the inside. But if all this seems like a long process and he wants to take the risk of an instant heart break, he can try to play the Secret Admirer game. He should start by sending her gifts, cards or letters anonymously. All of them signed “Secret Admirer”. In these gifts or cards, he can give clues as to who he is. If the girl is curious enough, she will definitely want to know who it really is and maybe once his identity is revealed, she can at the least be friends with him and they can let things grow from there. Wishing him the best of luck…

Q: Hello Doctor, I hope your doing fine, doctor. I am a girl 20 years old and I am in a relationship with a certain guy who is of the same age. We love each other but the problem is, I am one class ahead of him. I am in form six and he is in form five. My friends are telling me to leave him because its a shame to be with him. I don’t know what to do because I love him so much and he is my first guy. I need your help.

A: Dear Candy, Love is a feeling which is not bound by anything. Not by money, beauty, religion, cast or anything of the likes. When you love someone, what grade he is in shouldn’t matter. The relationship that the two of you share is a special bond that others lack. A lot of times, relationships which are out of the usual are the ones that work out greatest. When we bind ourselves to conditions like age, religion and all the other things, we are basically limiting our choice. Many people fall in love with people who don’t fit the criteria of what most people would consider NORMAL, but can not have them because of what these most people would say! Its much the same in your case, your friends are considering themselves to be the normal people and fail to see the actual bond you share with your partner. The reason is because they are blinded by LIMITS. Limits like loving a person who is only older to you, or in your grade if not higher. I think you should listen to your heart, do what you believe is right. Don’t be intimidated by what your friends have to say. What you have with your boyfriend is special in its own way, and its yours and his only. I know you will do the right thing… Take care…

Q: Dear Doctor, I've a girlfriend. One day when we were together at home, she took her phone and she was doing something with it, I don’t know if she was sending an SMS or what. After a few minute, she received an SMS and she started laughing. When I asked her why she was laughing, she didn’t reply. I decided to take her phone and see what is going on, and I saw she was deleting an SMS. So what can I think about her? When I asked her she said the SMS was not bad and was sent with one of her friend who stayed together at same area called Jesse. I really cant understand her Doctor. Please help me.

A: Dear Giddy, I don’t think there is anything wrong over here unless this happens constantly i.e. that she refuses to show you her messages or deletes them before you see them. If this has happened just a once or a couple of times, then its very much possible that its nothing to worry about. Its probably just like she said, her friend messaging her. There are some things that a girl would not want to discuss with you and you should learn to deal with it. Just because she is dating you, she is not required to tell you everything that happens between her and her friends. If it bothers you that much, then take the number of her friend and confirm whether it’s a guy or girl she is talking to. There are some things that happen between you and your friends that you would not be willing to tell her. I don’t think there is anything you need to understand more than that. If it still bothers you, then tell her how it makes you feel. And don’t be ashamed to say its making you jealous. Its very natural to feel jealousy. e open and frank with her. I am sure things will turn out just great. I wish you the best… Take care…

Q: Thanks for giving me this chance for asking a question. I would also like to say that keep on working ‘coz you are helping the people to know more about love. My question is, I have three girls and all of them truly love me. The thing is, I want to leave two and be left with one. What can I do? I don’t know which one to pick because as I said, they all love me.

A: Dear Amon, What you are doing with these 3 girls is not right. How would you feel if one of them or all of them were probably cheating on you with 2 other guys? Not very great, isn’t it? However, it’s a good think you have decided to have one girl only. There is no easy way out of your situation. First and foremost, you have to confess to all of them. You have to tell them the truth. It is not going to be easy but it has to be done. In the process, one or all of them might decide to leave you, but there is also a possibility that they might forgive you. Regardless of what the outcome is, at the end it will all depend on you to chose the one that you love the most. Don’t go looking for a person who will love you, look for the person that you will also love. Because when you are in love with someone, you will always want to be with that person. If you won’t love the girl you chose, you will soon get bored and try to find another one. And again, you will have 3 or more girls and you will want to select one out them. The circle will go on but you will never be satisfied and will keep looking for more. I hope you do the right thing… Best of luck…

Q: Hello doc, I'm 22yrs old kijana wa kiume. Tatizo langu nimefall kwa demu wamshikaji wa karibu, ni hivi kuna siku demu aliniita sehemu akaniomba nimsindikize maeneo flani then tukitoka tunenda club nikamwambia poa sasa tumefika club tumekunywa kuja kushituka tupozero distance mara kiss then kila m2 akajifanya kama hajui anachokifanya na tuliporu home nikamsindikiza hadi kwao, tukakiss tena then toka hapo tumekuwa tunachart. Ye anadai ananipenda for real even me kaanza kutawala ubongo wangu the way she care about me ananiambia mshikaji anamzingua kila siku migogoro anataka amuache awe namimi. Me na nipo close nae sana namshikaji anjua nimwembia usimuache coz jamaa atajua me namuaribia nifanyaje doc hata me hoi kwa mtoto.

A: Hello Kibaka, habari yako? Pole sana kwa yanayokukuta lakini amini kwamba yote yaliyotokea ni makosa yako ukizaingatia kwamba wewe na huyo mpenzi wake ni marafiki na umefanya kificho kuwa na uhusiano wa kimapenzi na huyo mpenzi wa rafiki yako. Kwanza kabisa ukae ukijua kuwa ulichofanya si kizuri na hata huyo mwanamke hana msimamo na hajui anachokitaka, Kama hampendi huyo mpenzi wake kwanini bado yuko naye? Kwa ufupi huyo mwanamke hajatulia na anataka kuwachanganya kimapenzi nyie wawili kwa ajili tu ya kutimiza haja zake za kimwili. Ushauri wangu kwako ni kwamba muache huo uhusiano mlioujenga tayari na zingatia kwamba siku hizi kuna magonjwa mengi sana ya zinaa na haswa gonjwa kubwa na la hatari la ukimwi. Na kwa umri wako ulioniambia bado una mambo mengi sana ya kufanya maishani zaidi ya kuchangia wanaake na kujiingiza katika hili janga zima la ukimwi. Nakutakia maisha mema na Mungu akubariki.

Q: Hi Doctor, I am a man old enough to differentiate between good and bad but sometimes things don’t work the way we want them to. Frankly speaking, I happened to fall in love with a certain girl who is about 25 years of age. The first time I put my eyes on her was when I had a problem with my water pump. That was the first time we met. That very moment I made my move toward her. She was very open about her nature and so was I.
We became friends but I was crazily in love. I made her feel secured. Later on, I sent a proposal to her family for her hand in marriage. Her family accepted me very kindly and my family accepted her in the same manner as she is someone very special to their beloved son. Just when we were reaching the peak of our love, I joined UDSM for an IT course and she supported my decision.
Soon after I started the course, she asked me as to when will we get married? I simply told her that it would only be possible after I finish my studies. A couple of months later, she came back with the same question. But this time, it was different because she told me she was being pressured at home because someone else had sent a proposal for her hand in marriage according to what she was told by her grand mom. I hated what she told me. I told her that she is free to do what she wants and that I will never bother her in any way. Neither call nor SMS her. It wasn’t an easy thing to do but I believe that as a man, it was my duty to let her go. I quit.
Three months later, she came looking for me and we started talking. She asked me how I was doing and if I’ve found anyone special. I loved and still love her and will not feel like having any one else cause she is the only one who took the greatest part of my heart. She wanted to hook up with me again but during the time we had been apart, she had engaged in a sexual relationship with someone else. I asked her why she did that and she said that time was a factor and that she needed someone to shelter her in her time of loneliness and be safe-guarded. The main cause of her loneliness was me but it was okay.
So doctor, is this the right person to be with? She says that she will even do a HIV test to prove that she hasn’t encountered any problems and that by being with me she doesn’t want to infect me.
Incase we do get back together, won’t I be being betrayed? Is it possible that they are really separated or is she playing a game with the both of us?
And am I really the cause of the problem? If I am, then explain to me how am I the problem. Waiting for your answer anxiously…

A: Lets first try to answer the question as to whose fault it is. I can say that its your fault as much as it is hers. Both of you caused this problem. You should have told her before you got engaged to her that you wanted to study. Sending a proposal for marriage is not something you do without thinking it over first. If you knew that you weren’t ready for marriage, you should have waited. Secondly, who says it’s a man’s duty to let his woman free just because there is pressure from her family? It’s a man’s duty to fight for his woman, not give her up to another man!
Its her fault because she gave in to the pressure by her family. She should have stood up for you. Once a girl is engaged, how can her family even think of accepting a second proposal? It is possible that her family was looking for what was best for their daughter, but they should have thought about before they accepted you.
Secondly, I can’t really tell you whether she is the right girl for you or not. But I can say that she doesn’t seem to know what she wants. She broke the engagement to get hooked to someone else, then she breaks up with that guy and comes back to you. Does that seem logical to you? What does her family say about that? If you feel that you still want her then the both you need to learn to stick to each other and stand up for each other. At the same time, she needs to give you a good reason for you to take her back… and by that, I do not mean an HIV test. That proves nothing but whether she has it or not. If you are convinced that she is being sincere, then go ahead and take her back. But if you doubt her, I suggest you save yourself from a potential second heart break.
Whether or not she is playing a game with the both of you, I don’t know. Did you speak to her parents when they were pressuring her for the other guy? Do you know whether it was really the cause or did you just listen to what she was saying and let her go blindly? Try to find out whether her family was really pressuring her. If they say they didn’t pressure her for the second guy, then it’s possible that she played you. Talk to the other guy if you can. Ask him why she broke up with him. Maybe, it might give you an idea of how much truth there is in her story. Wishing you the best…

Q: Dear Doctor, Napenda nianze na salam baada ya salaam mimi ni binti wa miaka 23 na fanya kazi serikalini nimeajiriwa na Jeshi la polisi na ndo naanza kazi mwaka wa kwanza hivi sasa ni mimba ya miezi miwili lakini mpenzi wangu haoneshi kataka kuanza proccess zozote za kutaka hata kufahamika nyumbani pia kazi hainiruhusu kuzaa kwa sasa mpaka baada ya miaka mitatu doct nimekuwa katika wakati mgumu sana sina amani kabisa pia sasa hivi naumwa siwezi kula wala nini na ninatakiwa niwe naingia kazini mara nyingine night nashindwa siwezi kupata msaada toka kwa afande wangu kwa sababu nimekiuka mkataba wa kazi yangu pia hata kwa wazazi wangu nako ni noma sana kwani nao hawanisupport ni fanye nini doct nipo njia panda?

A: Dear Sister N, Kwanza kabisa nakupa pole kwa yaliyokukuta na nakuombea kwa Mungu aweze kukujalia ujasiri zaidi na moyo wauvumilivu kwa yote yanayokukumba. Kwa akiba ya maneno tu maana tayari maji yamekwisha mwagika, siku za mbele jaribu kupangilia uzazi wako kwa sababu kama ni kazi au tu kama haukuwa tayari kupata ujauzito.
kwa swala lako kwa sasa, ni vizuri ukakaa na huyo mpenzi wako, umuelezee hali khalisi kazini na kwa wazazi wako, kama ni mwelewa ataelewa tu. Mwambie umuhimu wa kazi yako na jinsi gani unavyoihitaji na ni kiasi gani uko mbioni kuipoteza kwa ajili ya uhjauzito huo. Vilevile kwa wazazi wako, naamini hakuna mzazi anayependa mtoto wake azae nje ya ndoa lakini kwa kuwa tayari ishatokea hivyo, hauna budi kuwapa taarifa mapema na kumsihi mpenzi wako huyo aje nyumbani kwa wazazi wako kujitambulisha kwa hesima na maadili yetu na awajulishe madhumuni na nia yake halisi juu yako na kwamba atalichulkulaje majukumu suala hili.
Kwa upande wa kazini,j aribu kuongea na mkubwa wako wa kazi na kama iitawezekana maana sijui taratibu nzima za jeshi la polisi upewe kazi nyingine nyepesi au kama inawezekana hata uchukue likizo bila malipo au uombe likizo ya kwenda masomoni kwa muda huo muafaka ujipatie elimu nyingine yoyote amabayo itakuweka bize kwa muda mpaka hapo utakapojifu ngua.N a kama ikiwa bahati mbaya umepoteza kazi usihuzunike sana maana wanasema kwamba kila jambo huja na baraka zake ukizingatia kwamba mtoto ni zawadi ya Mungu. Nakomba usije ukashawishika kwenda kuiharibu au kuitoa hiyo mimba kwani ni dhambi kwa imani zote za dini na ni kosa la jinia kwa kadri ya sheria zetu za nchi. Nakutakia kila la kheri na Mungu akusimamie katika maamuzi yako.