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Name:  Jacqueline Mutta
Country: Dar es Salaam

Q: Good afternoon Doctor am a girl of 19 years old. In the year when I was 18 years old, I met with a boy he is 21 years old now. I can say he is my lover. One day he asked me if we can have sex but I refused and I told him that till when I get married is when I will have sex but he refused. These days when we meet we just kiss each other but not 2 have sex. But the guy himself did not agree! Now what to do is it right for me to have sex now or should I wait when I will get married and what if I will agree and then he will come 2 abandon me. What to do?

A: Hello Jacqueline, Sex is not the only thing a person should be looking in a relationship. From what you said, looks like its been over a year you two are seeing each other. It’s nice to hear that you are waiting for the right time to have sex with your partner. If his sexual desires are bothering your partner beyond tolerability, then talk to him about it and ask him to perform oral sex with you. You can stimulate each other and satisfy yourselves that way without any sexual intercourse. But remember to always use a condom under any circumstance. Because when you are in that situation, it’s often very difficult to resist temptation of having sex and one thing can lead to another. So I would suggest you to sit down with him and talk it out with him and make him understand that you are not really ready for any kind of intercourse at the moment.
On the other hand, seems like you don’t trust the guy with all your heart. When you said what if he leaves you after having sex with you, you indirectly don’t trust him. This should not be the case. When you are in any kind of a relationship, trust should be the major factor between you two. It’s always the base of any relation. If that’s the case then you shouldn’t be with the guy in the first place.
Anyways, plan everything carefully and get to the right decision. All the very best….
 

Name: Lukundo
Country: Dar es Salaam

Q: Dear Doctor, I am a 28 years old lady. I am working with a certain company in Dar. My question is that I have a boyfriend who I have been with for one and a half years. We promised each other that we would settle together. The time has come and am trying to ask him when will he be able to introduce himself to my father but he says I should wait, am wondering for how long should I wait, because it’s taking too long because we are supposed to be together this year. Am sure there’s nothing making him wait for such a long time. Please advice me, should I quit the relationship or should I wait? And how long should I wait. I will appreciate if am advised accordingly.

A: Dear Lukundo, It is not easy for a guy to just show up at your doorstep and introduce himself to your father and ask for your hand in marriage. For a guy, a proposal is not just that. It’s a lot more than that. It’s thinking about every little detail that comes along with marriage. He has to be sure that he will be able to support you in every way. You may be feeling that there is nothing that should make him delay the proposal but there probably is something. Perhaps you should talk to him and ask him. Don’t pressure him too much about coming to your father. You might push him away that way and he will start resenting you thinking you are nagging so much for the marriage.
On the other hand, there is a possibility that marriage is too big a step for him to take and he isn’t sure about wanting to get committed just yet. A lot of people do get scared of commitments and end up pushing them selves away from their partners. This usually ends up in a lot of heartache. I suggest you plainly ask him what is making him delay the proposal. Is he financially unstable or is there something else that’s bothering him? Or he is just not yet ready to commit?
However, about how long should you wait? I think it completely depends on how long you want to wait. if he is delaying because there is something bothering him, then I suggest you give him some more time. Let things work out for him the way he wants them to because at the end of the day, he is doing it for the future of the both of you. And if he is just not ready to commit, then its up to you to make him feel right about marriage. Make him feel comfortable and slowly he might just come around. You will have to be patient in both cases because things like these take time. If you love him as much as you think you do, then try to reason with him rather than trying to have your way by pressurizing him. Wish you all the best…
 

Name: Josephine
Country: Dar es Salaam

Q: Hello doctor, well I am a simple young beautiful girl I have never been in love before. Yesterday a man told me what he feels for me but I told him that I will give him his answer today. The thing is I don’t love him and am afraid if I tell him that he will freak out what should I do? I don’t want to hurt his feelings and at the same time I just don’t want to be with him what should I tell him.

A: Dear Josephine,Never fallen in love is not an issue as far as we are concerned. As they say, there is always a first time for everything. So falling in love for the first time is not an issue. All you have to do is wait for the right one, the right partner, the right companion!
Now as far as your question is concerned, it is really nice of you to think about not hurting him but then you also have to think about yourself. You need to make sure how you feel for him.  You don’t have to force yourself to love him if you don’t want to. All you have to do is sit with the guy and talk it out with him. No matter what your decision is, I feel that the guy has to know about the situation you are in and if he understands you well enough, then he’ll surely let you go.
Remember one thing, remain friends with him. Don’t spoil your relation with him just because he has asked you out. There are people who get mad when they get rejected but all you have to do is bear with him and ask him to understand you and what your needs are. You need to spend you life with the person you love the most.
Just tell him that you are not ready for any relationship at this time and that you would not like to commit yourself to anyone. Hope you take the right decision. All the best….
 

Name: John
Country: Dar es Salaam

Q: Dear Doctor, I’m a 21 years old Tanzanian boy. I'm very happy to write this message to you. I hope you will be able to help me with the problem I am facing now. A month ago I met beautiful girl. I faced her and asked for lunch next day. She was very nice and kind to me and agreed to come.
On that day we spent hours talking about how I felt about her. At first, she said that she already has a boyfriend. I tried my best to convince her but she was strong on her decision. We promised each other to be friends. Some days later, I tried again to approach her because day to day my love for her was increasing. I asked her if she had ever fallen in love. She said no. I asked her why hadn’t she fallen in love and got the answer that she wanted to stay out of love relationships. Then why did she tell me at first that she had a boyfriend? Surely, I was confused and didn’t know whether to keep chasing her or leave her. But one thing I know for sure is that I love her very much.
Doctor, I need your help on this because I can’t understand whether what she tells me is true or not. She is a very good friend to me and meets up with me whenever and where ever I ask her to. She takes the gifts that I give her. We talk every night.
The other day, she told me why she doesn’t want to have a boyfriend. She is afraid that she might get pregnant and will be left alone like her sister was left by her boyfriend after she got pregnant. I told her that I was ready to wait until after marriage and even that she refused. Hoping to clear her doubts about me, we also went to get a HIV test done and both of came out negative but her answer was still the same. Further more, again she insisted that she has a boyfriend. That throws me off track.
I am sorry for the long story, but I am hoping you will be able to help me get her or help me to live without her as my girlfriend. But let me just remind you that I lover her very much.

A: Dear John, It’s very nice to know about how you feel about this girl and the things you have done to convince her that you love her. But before you get yourself into a mess, I would like to suggest that you make sure that you love her for who she is and not because she is beautiful. Because with time, beauty fades and then things get very nasty.
Anyway, about the problem at hand. Whether she is saying the truth or not about her having a boyfriend or about being scared of getting pregnant and being left alone, the thing that seems to be obvious is that she is looking for a friend and not a mate. You may love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, but you have to understand that in a relationship the feeling should be from both sides. If she has a boyfriend, then you should not convince her to break up with him to be with you just because you love her. This way you are just being selfish and thinking about yourself. Imagine if you were dating her and another guy was trying to do exactly what you are doing to her now, how would that make you feel? If she is saying that she has a boyfriend, then you need to respect that and let her be. If you like being around her, then give her your support and be her friend.
About her being scared of getting pregnant and being left alone, there is no guarantee that you can give her to convince her that you won’t do the same. Because of what happened to her sister, it is now embedded in her mind that you or any other guy she dates, can do the same to her. And again, here as well you have to let her be. For a man, it is very easy to say he is not like other men, but it is a fact that a lot of men end up doing the same thing over and over again. Either way, the way I see it, I think she needs a friend more than a boyfriend. And if you truly do love her, then be her friend and give her the support that she needs. But if you think that you can’t afford to be her friend, then tell her about it and then just leave. But then you would be nothing less that a coward. More over, it will only prove that you can actually just leave her if you can’t be with her. I suggest you stick to her as her friend. I hope you will make the right decision. I wish you all the best…
 

Name: Guki
Country: Dar es Salaam

Q: Hi Doctor, I really hope you are fine and I also hope to hear your advice soon. I am a 24 year old girl who is truly in love with this man I  have been with for 3 years. He loves me, respects me and does everything I could ever ask for. The problem is that I am a Christian and he is a Muslim. I don't know how it will work because I don't know how to tell my parents about him and I am afraid to loose him because I know and believe that I will never find a person like him. What can i do? Will things go well? I am so scared and sometimes I get very frustrated. Please help me so that I can gain my confidence and hopes again. Thanks Doctor, you are so nice!

A: Dear Guki, It’s great to know that you guys have been dating for so long but at the same time now that you have come to realize the seriousness of the problem in going ahead with your relationship, you can expect things to get very difficult between the two of you. However, it is very important that the two of you take this one step at a time and be there for each other at all times. You will feel angry at all the things that go wrong during this time and you will also feel frustrated, but always remember that the two of you want to live your lives together. And for that to happen, you will have to learn to be there for each other at all costs.
There is no other way to tell your parents about this than to tell them straight up. I mean you could try to find times when they are in a good mood or something like that, but at the end of the day you will have to tell them about this anyway. So, I suggest you tell them both that you want to talk to them and tell them about your problem. Tell them everything and ask them for their blessings. But before you go ahead and tell them about this, ask yourself one more time if this is what you want. Because after marriage, your husband might expect you to live by his lifestyle, a lifestyle based on his Islamic background. Things that you are probably not used. Also, once you are married and start a family, religious differences within the family often cause problems for the children. And due to that, children are confused as to what religion to follow and they end up being more like pagans. Your decision today is going to affect your life, your family’s life and your future. So, before you go ahead with talking to your parents, I think you should sit down and discuss this with your boyfriend and decide about your future. Once, the two of you have come to an understanding, then go ahead and speak to your parents. If they say that they want to see the guy, then bring him over and introduce him to your parents.
If things go wrong at first, don’t give up. And by that, I don’t mean you should revolt. I simply mean that you find ways to convince them that he is who you want and that your happiness lies with him. I hope and pray that things go well for you. You take care and keep your composure at all times. Wishing you the best…
 

Name: Mr. Y
Country: Dar es Salaam

Q: Dear Doctor, I have read and learnt with disappointment that youth aged 23 and below who are supposed to be in schools engage themselves in live sex. That is why most teenagers in Africa are not involved in productive matters but only thinking and concentrating on sexual matters. As a result, themselves and the country continue to be poor. Why do they do this Doctor?

A: It is very thoughtful of you to show your concern for the youths and the country in general. There are various reasons that lead to such actions by the youth of the country and/or anywhere in the world. The first reason, which I think is one of the main  reasons is the whole concept of westernization. Westernization is a process whereby non-western societies come under the influence of Western culture in such matters as industry, technology, law, politics, economics, lifestyle, diet, language, alphabet, religion or values. Westernization as a whole process is not a bad thing if the process is adapted for the right reasons. However, most of the youth today have adapted the process for entirely wrong reasons. Instead of technology and education, you see them adapting to the lifestyle and values that have no value. The media plays a huge role in this matter. This includes the music that has explicit lyrics that is heard in the radios, the obscene videos shown on TV as well as the indecent  images and content shown in print media. Even the advertisements are made to be sexy because as they say, ”Sex Sells!”. In addition to that, the sense of fashion these days is quite sexually provoking as well. All these things add up in provoking sexual desires in the youth today.
Secondly, I think the parents and elders are also responsible for the behavior of the youth. Youth are set free to do what they want without knowing whether what the kids are doing is right or wrong. If parents can not be good role models for their children then its their duty to help the children in choosing the right ones. The general idea of role models these days is the fashion freaks and the semi nude musicians. Gone are the days when you asked a kid what he wants to be when he grows up and the kids replies “ A Doctor” or “a Pilot” or things like those. These days you would be told they want to be like some hot musician or Hollywood actor/actress.
Another problem is the type of friends children have. Peer pressure plays an enormous role on how youth act. A lot of kids don’t know how to pick their friends and end up having friends who would lead them to mischief and ruin of character. Again here, I believe that parents have to be careful as to what type of friends their children have.
After reading this, please do not start considering that all youths are like this. I am just giving you the general idea of how and why many youths act in such a manner. There are plenty of well disciplined youths around. These are the youths that all others should look up to. I would like to thank you again for the concern you are showing for the youth and our nation. Take care…
 

Name: Angel
Country: Cape town

Q: Dear Doctor, Hope you are doing great. I am a Tanzanian girl aged 23, currently studying medicine. I’m sorry for the long message you are about to read but it is only to enable you to understand the whole situation I am facing at this moment.
Four years ago I met a boy, at that time I was studying pre form five and he was studying pre form six in the same school. We used to stay at the same street, and I knew him since we were children but I didn’t pay attention on him. I never used to talk to him before, we just saw each other in street and that’s about it.
During my pre form five course I got to know him better, coz after class we used to go home together.

We became very friendly as we shared most of our hobbies, he was so nice! Soon, I started feeling something I never felt before, I wanted to spend most of my time with him! I never got involved with boys before as I thought I was to young to engage myself in love affairs rather I used most of my time in studies as I was aware of consequences of being in love at my age! So there after we found ourselves madly in love with each other. He was my first boyfriend! He was a nice guy, very understanding, always focuses forward, and he was so faithful. I trusted him a lot.

After finishing my A levels, I got a chance to study medicine in one of the private medical university in Tanzania, and at that time he was was already in first year. I got I government sponsorship but still I had to pay 40% of the tuition fees according to the loan board. For me it was really hard coz the amount was still too large for me to afford. The university would not let me register without making the payments and my family also wouldn’t be able to pay the annual fees. I really wanted to fulfill my dreams of being a doctor. During the same time, I got a scholarship outside the country and it was a full scholarship. All they needed was me to get my travel expenses sorted and they would take care of the rest. I told that boy about the scholarship and about the local university as well and why they refused to let me register. He told me that I can’t go and leave him alone. He said I should wait because most of the people can’t afford the fees. I wanted to listen to him but at the same time the full scholarship would not wait for me because I was supposed to depart within a week. I waited one more day but there was no sign of being registered. I just  asked him what he would have done if he was in my position. Reluctantly, he agreed to let me go. He said he loved me a lot and he always will no matter the distance. We promised each other that we will keep our love for ever. Then I left.

After reached here, life was so good as we were communicating nicely, if there is no call, there is a message! What made me write to you is, suddenly three  months ago he changed completely, he started complaining to my friends as well as his friends that he didn’t want me to come here. I didn’t talk to him about them but soon the were more and more complains. I just kept wondering where the complains were coming from since we had talked about this before I left. I started noticing some changes from him,  if I didn’t call him or send an sms he just stayed quiet, even if a whole week passed. And when I asked him, he told me that he didn’t have money for credits. Initially, I used to send him some lovely and romantic mails to which he responded positively but later he just replied with short messages saying thanks only. So it was me alone who was to keep the love going.
Then later he decides to express what he wants, he told me if I really love him and I want to be with him forever then I have to go back home. He said that he can’t bear the distance and if we stayed distant for longer we will be cheating one another. And he told me he will do anything so that I can get a chance again in local university and he will pay  for me that 40%. I wondered if he wanted to do that, where was he before when I was still deciding about coming to this place. I told him that its impossible, I cant do that! But I truly love him! Then he said if that’s what I want then its okay!

After that he stayed totally quiet, even if I sent him an SMS, he didn’t answer me. For sure I felt so lonely and soon got tired of the loneliness. I decided to let him go! I sent him an SMS that am tired with the game he is playing and that we should put an end to this. He answered immediately that me and him won’t break up no matter what, he loved me and he always will. After that he stayed quiet again and it’s a month now and there is not a single SMS, call nor an email. And now I don’t trust him anymore coz he might be cheating around with other girls since that was his excuse for not being able to maintain the distant relationship. I will be studying my course for seven years, but we talked before that I will be coming home after every two years. For sure am madly in love with that boy and I can’t see a future without him. It is very difficult to get a guy who will respect your decision of not having sex in a relationship. I have been with that boy for four years and he never asked for it after I told him that I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do now. He insisted that he loves me and he will always love me. I love him too but I don’t understand him.
Please Doc, tell me what to do, coz am going crazy thinking about the boy, does he still love me or he just wanted to take my love for granted coz he knows that I love him! Whatever you tell me, I will do it!!

A: Dear Angel, Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain. It’s quiet often that people in such relationships end up falling out of love with their partners and/or start cheating on each other. If you are worried about the decision you made for coming abroad to complete your studies, rest assured that you made the correct decision. Your career is very important. Think about how much trouble you saved your family by accepting the scholarship. They would have to slog themselves and save every bit of money that they could gather just to be able to educate you if you had decided to stay back home. In addition, once you have completed your studies and settled down, you will be responsible for your family. You will be able to support them when they won’t be able to do it. So, don’t worry because you made the right decision.

If your boy friend wanted you to stay, he could have offered to pay for your fees before you left as well. But now that he has offered, take a minute and think that if he too is a student, where would he finance you from? It is very difficult to work and study at the same time. More over, even if he worked part time, there is not much money to be made with a part time job. Try to think about all the ways he may try to be able to finance your studies and decide whether it would really work or not.
It is difficult to stay away from someone you love so much. Especially for him because guys have a weaker will power than women. But sacrifices have to be made. You are studying for a brighter future. A future with him. He should try and accept that. He should look at the bigger picture when the both you will be together again, ready for a future together. And it is not only him who is staying away from the person he loves, you too are sacrificing by staying away from the one you love. Also, apart from staying away from him, you are also away from your family. You have more to miss than he does. If he thinks about all this, then he will surely understand your position

I suggest the both of you need to talk this out and come to a decision. If he thinks that he may not be able to stay faithful to you, then I suggest that you end it there and move on. Because an opportunity of studying abroad and fulfilling your dream comes once, but you can always fall in love again. It may not be the easiest thing in the world to let go off him, but if it comes to it, it has to be done. I wish you the best and hope for a positive solution for your problem. Take care…