Updated on: Thursday November 15, 2007
Name: Nelly
City: Dar es Salaam
Question: hello there doc. my name is Nelly and I’m 15.doc I really need your
help well I had a boyfriend his name was Khalil I really loved him a lot and
still do we. We were together almost two lovable years. So once he went to
Arusha without me knowing about it so I thought he is cheating on me and just
ignoring me for 3months so one month I was single and then I found another guy
his name is Hakim so I was spending time with him then Khalil came back saying
baby I’m back I asked him from where and he told I was so shocked and surprised
but then I still loved him but didn’t realize it and I didn’t tell Hakim about
it so I was with two guys at the same time but loved and still do is one who is
Khalil I told Khalil the truth about Hakim I was feeling proud because I was
honest with him so he asked me if I still love Hakim and I answered yes but he
still didn’t want to breakup with me because he loved me but I was stupid by not
realizing that even still when I used to dumb him for no reason he still came
back so he told me to find time to dumb Hakim or he will piss of my life and to
say the truth I didn’t want him to live me either Hakim to live me so then he
was still with me and then he told me that he found out that I was still with
Hakim but that wasn’t true because I was ignoring him how could I be with him
while I dumped him I was really confused so now Khalil aint with me and now I
realized that he is part of my life I love him so much but I can’t get him back
because I’m afraid to tell him the truth about my feelings and he got a gal and
I’m just acting as if I care as his best friend but the truth is that I love him
so how could he forget about the past well he didn’t he is actually blaming it
all on me by saying he warned me and he was right I do regret it now doc I love
him so much and I’m tired of crying all the time at night do I really deserve
this people do make mistakes right please try to make me feel better by telling
me something and hey he still calls me sweety and we kissed even though he has a
gal it was so passionate we couldn’t help it we weren’t even breathing after
that I just wonder does he think about me sometimes does he still have feelings
for me even a bit do I cross his mind well I guess if we chat doc I’m speechless
confused and needs help about this because I never thought of loving I was
actually a play gal hurting guy and now a guy hurting me y please help me
Answer:
Hi Nelly. So sorry to hear all that. But don't you think your young for these
things? Anyway no one is forbidden to love much less love is not something that
you create but it’s a feeling that grown deep inside you. On your story I didn't
understand what happened to Hakim, did u leave him or did he do that to you? On
my side of life ill only ask myself two questions. One when Khalil left to
Arusha what did he go to do there? Second If I meant anything to him why didn't
he inform me of his journey and why was he quite all those three months? Did you
ask yourself all those questions before you thought of going back to him? Listen
Nely, your still young and full of life, am sure there is someone, somewhere for
you, dont cry anymore because what you’re feeling now is what people called true
love, and if he is destiny to be with you am sure he will come back for
you. Advice if u love him that much and your now his best friend try and keep
some distance a little bit then you will know if he loves you for really. Don't
let him play with your feelings, u told me he has another gal then why do u let
yourself be used by him? He is taking advantage with your feelings, next time if
he tries to kiss you again don't let him, try not to give in okay, am sure he is
paying you back of what you did to him, so if you want to be sure of his love as
I told you put some distance, am sure it will pain him allot to know that now
you got strength to fight him, after that you will see for yourself he will come
back but if he still loves you. Try not to fall into a relationship now b'coz
you ll only fool yourself coz your trying to 4get some one thru someone and
that’s not good at all. Don't cry any more no more deserve ur tears, you’re too
good and beautiful to be hurt. Try to relax, read novel, go out with friends and
have someone to talk too, you will get over it. Don't hesitate to write to me
anytime and don't forget to put me posted what is going on.
Name: Chabby
City: Dar es Salaam
Q: Hello
Dr. Love,
My name is Chabby. I’m living in DSM. I’m 17 years old and I’m a student in one of the famous schools here in Tanzania. Doctor I had dated so many guys before and finally at that time I found this guy whom I loved so much, he broke my heart. He was the one who took my virginity away. I said to myself at that time that I won’t fall in love again but it happened again and I fell in love last year with this guy called Patrick. Up to now I still have him but there is something which is really confusing me Doctor. I love Patrick so much and it’s been a year now since we started dating. He also loves me very much. Recently, I found this guy through the Hi5 network. Am sure you must have heard about it. His name is Baby. He is so cute. He sent me a message asking me for my number. I gave it to him and he started to call me. It was in August this year. We talked so much and he asked me to meet with him. I agreed and we met at his sister’s house here in Dar. Without realizing we ended up kissing. He was the one who kissed me first and I don’t know what happened to me and I also ended up kissing him. He told me that he had been in love with some girls but what was so weird is he didn't propose to me. We continued to act as friends even after we kissed. He told me that he doesn’t want to force himself to fall in love and I told him that it was okay. I left his house and went back home. Doctor, I felt so guilty because I knew I was cheating on Patrick. He kept calling me and he asked me to see him the second time. That day was horrible. I don’t know what I did. It was horrible. I keep blaming myself about it everyday. I had sex with him two times in that day. He told me to tell him about my love life and I told him not to hurt me because that won’t be fair. He said he won’t do that to me. Remember we are still friends even though we had sex. Now, I was keeping on calling him every day. I think I have fallen in love with him but I also love Patrick a lot and to leave him won’t be possible. I won’t leave Patrick. As for Baby, he has something what’s called ‘Mapozi’. Doctor, he never even beeped me but when we talk he said he misses me so much he wishes I would be next to him and all that. Doctor, should I tell him how much I love him? I sent him an email but he never replied and didn’t even mention it when we spoke over the phone. I want to be with both of them. Please help me Doctor, am waiting…
A: Dear Chabby,
If you are feeling guilty about cheating on Patrick, then why are you cheating on him at all? It is a disgusting game you are playing. The reason Baby doesn’t want to respond to your email is because he doesn’t really love you. He really wants to have you as a sex buddy. Someone he can call every time he wants to have sex. After you kissed him for the first time, he told you about other girls, but he didn’t mention anything about you. Why? I think it’s because he was trying to make it clear to you that he is not interested in falling in love. Furthermore, he also told you that he doesn’t want to be forced to be in love. To add up to all that, you made it very easy for him to get to you. In just about a month from when you started talking to him, you ended up in bed with him cheating on someone who dearly loves you. You say he used to call you all the time before you slept with him, but now that you have already slept with him, its you who is calling him. You need to clean up your mess rather than make a bigger mess. What you are feeling for Baby is not real love. When you are in a relationship with someone for quite some time, the romance sometimes lessens with your partner. And when another guy comes along and starts flirting with you, you start to like the attention and flirting. And that is NOT real love. I suggest you leave Baby and work on your relationship with Patrick. I suggest you tell Patrick about Baby. He deserves to know the truth. However, if you don’t want to tell Patrick then keep it as your darkest secret and but you will have to live with that guilt as a burden on your heart. But then, you will never truly be happy. I hope you make the right decision. Wishing you all the best…
Name: Manyasi
City: Dar es Salaam
Q: Dear Doctor,
I am a guy whose problem is that I love a girl with all my heart and have told her that and have also shown all signs of my love to her but she refuses to accept my love. What can I do to make her accept my love?
A: Dear Manyasi,
Firstly, you need to understand that loving someone does not necessarily mean that that person has to love you back. You need to think about this first. Falling in love is very easy but making the other person love you back is completely the opposite. You can try and try but if the other person doesn’t feel the same way about you, there is a high probability that she never will. However, I am not saying you should just give up. But before you go ahead and try more to get her to love you, ask yourself why you love her as much as you do. Is it because of her beauty or is it because of her personality and nature? If it is just because she is beautiful, then remember one thing, beauty wears out with time. Will you love her when she isn’t beautiful anymore?
Anyway, during the whole time in which you have been showing her how much you love her, have you tried asking her to at least be your friend if not your lover? I think you should do that first. Get to know her better and give her a chance to get to know you better. Maybe this may bring out the possibility of a new relationship between the two of you. If that seems to be difficult for you to do, then try to first at least get into her friends circle. And slowly work your way up to being her friend. Don’t rush it, take it easy and slow. Always remember one thing; you can never force her to love her. So, later on if she still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, you will have to respect her decision. I wish you all the best. Take care…
Name: Lyee
City: Dar es Salaam
Q: Natumai u mzima kwanza. Mimi ni msichana mwenye umri wa miaka 20.nina
boyfriend ambaye anaishi iringa tatizo langu ni kwamba celewi kama kweli
ananipenda au la.huwa ananitumia msg anapojickia anaweza kukaa hat miezi miwili
bila kujali na kutaka kujua naendeleaje.hivi karibuni niliamua kuachana nae coz
nimeona napoteza muda wangu lakini nilivyomwambia akaniambia kwamba hawezi
kunipoteza katika maisha yake kwani mimi ni mtu muhimu.lakini nikaendelea na
msimamo wangu nikakata mawasiliano naye but recently ameanza kunitumia msg
akidai kwamba he cant live without me am everything to him.Tatizo ni kwamba
camini kama ananiambia ukweli,and kusema ukweli we have never had sex in all the
period we have being together. Dr he says he loves me while he doesnt show that
he loves can it be possible to love someone without showing that u do love and
care. what can i do, i know this love is not worth it but i keep on holdin.
while there is a guy who claims he loves me and i know this guy is telling da
truth but da problem is i still have some feeling for my previous boyfriend.
Nifanyaje,nategemea ushauri wako kufanya maamuzi yangu.Thanks in advance.
A: Mimi ni mzima wa afya,hofu kwako. Karibu kwenye safu ya Dr luv,natoa ushauri wa mapenzi pia napokea maswali kuhusu mapenzi na mahusiano. Email yako nimeisoma kwa makini sana, pia nakupa pole kwa matatizo yalio kufika.
Kwanza kabisa sijajua wewe kama ni mwanafunzi au la?, ila kwa umri ulionao bila shaka utakuwa ni mwanafunzi, na pia huyo boyfriend wako nae pia ni mwanafunzi au la?,ila kwa ushauri ninao weza kukupa ni kwamba kwenye mapenzi kunatakiwa uvumilivu mkubwa bila ivyo utabadilisha wapenzi kila kukicha,jaribu kumchunguza mpenzi wako ni kitu gani anapendelea na kitu gani hapendelei,pia umbali uliopo kati yako na yeye unaweza kuwa sababu basi jaribu kuwa na mawasiliano nae mara kwa mara ili usimpe mwanya wa kuhamisha moyo kwenda sehemu nyingine,kwani kutokana na message anazokutumia anaonesha wazi bado anakupenda na sio kwamba anakuandikia ujumbe anapo jisikia ila kunauwezekano mkubwa wa yeye kukosa mda wa hewani, kwahiyo nakushauri binti kuwa mvumilivu kwenye mahusiano yako. Asante
Name:
Miss T
Country: Morogoro
Q: Hi doc, I love someone for a long time and also he really loves me . But now we have separated because I have gone somewhere to study and I do not know that if he betrays me while we still are in contact. He told me that he still loves me as always I do also. So which are the ways that I can use to make sure that he does not betray me? Please doctor I need your help.
A:
Hello Miss T, Distant relationships are very hard to be
maintained, having said that, it’s not impossible to maintain! They often tend
to be inflexible and therefore not advised to be in one. The same scenario is in
your case where you two are far apart from one another and hence difficult to
maintain this “distance relationship”.
Whatever the case may be, you cannot keep an eye on your love once he/she is in
a different part of the planet. The only thing you can do is have faith on
him/her. Yes, that’s the only thing you can do. Just believing in one another
and trusting him will be the least you can do. Believe in him when he says he
loves you and that he won’t betray you. After all, trust is the core of all
this.
It is a good sign that you two are still in contact being far from each other.
Whenever you guys talk, just express and convey your feelings to him. Make him
understand that he shouldn’t betray you and you assuring him that you will do
the same. That is, you not betraying him. All the very best…
Name:
Sharifa
Country: Dar es Salaam
Q: Hello Dr. love. My name is Sharifa and I’m 19 years of age my boyfriend and I have been together for six months now and our relationship is good but the only problem is he never allows me to talk or stand with any guy and people think I have a bad attitude now. What can I do?
A:
Hello Sharifa, Believing in each other and having trust in each other is
the most important thing for any relation to survive. That’s not the case with
him. I mean from the way he behaves, looks like he doesn’t trust you at all. On
the other hand, he seems to be a very possessive guy and that shows how much he
loves you. No matter what the case, make him feel that he’s the only guy you
love, want to spend the rest of your life with and all other are only "friends"
to you. Do things that he loves the most, make him understand that you will
always be there for him when needed and that he doesn’t have to think of being
jealous or feel possessive about you since you’re just his! Spend as much time
as you can with him.
Like you said he may be feeling uneasy when you are seen around other guys,
which is very normal. But make sure you don’t make it as much that he may start
doubting on you. Tell him and make him understand that you only have good
friends and nothing more than that. The rest is up to him to believe. Wishing
you all the best….
Name:
Nisqo
Country: Dar es Salaam
Q:
Hello Doctor? I have this girl of mine I have been attached to
her for about a year now. The only problem I have with her is that we fight a
lot over things which are very stupid. She lies to me over very simple things.
Recently we don’t talk because I realized she has been flirting around with
another guy whom was her former boyfriend. I got very mad at her as I saw the
text message she sent to the man. The other thing I realized is that she went to
the beach with a guy whom she has been claiming that he is disturbing her so
much, one day I asked whether she has some connection with him and she told me
that she hasn’t met the guy for more than a month. But when she gave me her cell
phone I saw some pictures she took with the guy at the beach and it was only a
week ago!!
She claims to love me so much. But I can’t get to cope with the lies she is
giving me. I have been forgiving her on very delicate situations but I feel I
can’t take them anymore. My heart misses her so much and I love her so much
Doctor. I really don’t know what to do. Please tell me Doc.
A: Hello Nisqo, Being in a relationship with a person for almost a year now and not understanding him/her is not a good sign. The two of you are lacking the trust factor in your relationship which is the core of any relation. To maintain it is a huge task, though doable! From what you have explained, it is obvious that she is lying to you and spending time with this other guy behind your back. But on the other hand, it may also be the case where the guy is only her friend and they were like spending time together for fun. That shouldn’t be a problem if at all you trust her. Whatever the case, talk to her about all this. Give her a chance to explain herself. The two of you should set down rules for each other. In this way, the both of you can come to a peaceful understanding. She should also understand that in a relationship, hiding things from each other could prove to be very bad for your relationship. If you love her, and you feel that she loves you, I think you should give her chance. Better yet, give her some of your trust.